I want one bourban, one scotch,and one beer

For my Joe, because you love hippie dude almost as much as me

Fri, 05 Sep 2008 01:47:28 GMT

Comparing People to Hitler

By: Isaac “Absent” Amirian
Being a truly advanced white person means being able to speak with authority about pretty much any field of conversation- especially politics. In order for white people to streamline the process of knowing everything, all human beings can be neatly filed into one of two categories: People I Agree With, and People Who are Just Like Adolf Hitler.

Comparing people to Hitler is an easy way for white people to get a strong point across to the less enlightened, or the insufficiently white. Everyone knows who Adolf Hitler was. And everyone knows that Hitler was very, very bad. Therefore, if a white person really, REALLY, doesn’t like something or
someone, he or she may angrily say something to the effect of, “This is exactly the same kind of thing that Hitler used to do!” accompanied by varying levels of profanity based on blood-alcohol content. No matter what your gut reaction may be at that point, do not disagree with that white person. Otherwise, well, you love Hitler.

This time-tested white-person maneuver may seem so awesomely useful to you that you are tempted to go out and try it right now. Not so fast. White people have spent the last 30 years perfecting this technique. There are cultural guidelines.

It’s also critical that you avoid the fatal mistake of getting creative and comparing people you don’t like to other evil dictators, such as Joseph Stalin or Fidel Castro. With few exceptions, white people are actually fond
of almost any dictator not named Hitler, and your remark that “this is just like something Mao Zedong would do” will be met with blank stares and possible social alienation. This is because, with the exception of Hitler,
oppressive dictators share a passion for many of the things white people love- such as universal health care, conspiracy theories, caring about poor people while being filthy rich, and cool hats. Stick to the script and
compare things you don’t like to Hitler, and Hitler alone.

Now, like most reasonable people, you might find this strategy distasteful, and even a bit disrespectful, since after all, Hitler was responsible for the deaths of tens of millions, and probably doesn’t have that much in common with Pat Robertson, in perspective. If you prefer to avoid hearing or using the Hitler technique, we recommend you speak in soothing, affirming tones around angry white people to prevent the phenomenon from manifesting, and change the subject tactfully. To something that doesn’t involve George
W. Bush.

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 02:36:54 GMT

This is pretty much the dumbest/most hilarious thing ever. Joe made me watch one episode the other day and I watched them all tonight.

In case y'all haven't heard...

Sat, 26 Jan 2008 18:26:30 GMT

Although there’s scant info to be found online—as his label’s website vaporrecords.com states, “Jonathan Richman… does not participate in the Internet on any level”—the legendarily quirky songwriter and former Modern Lover is releasing a new album and hitting the road soon. According to Richman’s publicist, his new and 21st full-length, Because Her Beauty Is Raw And Wild, is coming out “on either March 25 or April 8,” and he’ll be trekking across the country with his guitar, his deadpan drummer Tommy Larkins, and dance moves that’ll make your head spin. Fellow songsmith Vic Chesnutt will open for Richman on a chunk of the tour:

Feb. 25: Norman, OK, Da Opolis

Feb. 26: Springfield, MO, The Outland

Feb. 27 & Feb. 28: Nashville, TN, The 5 Spot

Feb. 29: Asheville, NC, Grey Eagle Tavern

Mar. 1: Athens, GA, 40 Watt Club*

Mar. 2: Atlanta, GA, The Earl*

Mar. 4 & Mar. 5: Brooklyn, NY, Music Hall Of Williamsburg*

Mar. 6 & Mar. 7: Cambridge, MA, The Middle East*

Mar. 8: Baltimore, MD, 8 X 10*

Mar. 9: Richmond, VA, Rockitz*

Mar. 10: Cleveland Heights, OH, Grog Shop*

Mar. 11: St. Louis, MO, Off Broadway*

Mar. 12: Chicago, IL, Abbey Pub*

Mar. 13: Madison, WI, Orpheum Stage Door*

Mar. 14: Minneapolis, MN, Cedar Cultural Center*

Mar. 15: Omaha, NE, The Waiting Room*

Mar. 16: Lincoln, NE, Knickerbockers*

Mar. 18: Denver, CO, Lions Lair

Mar. 20: Salt Lake City, UT, Kilby Court

*With Vic Chesnutt

Tue, 27 Nov 2007 20:27:49 GMT

I just wanted everyone to know the truth. I was born with a 20 inch pene but that had to cut it off because it was so huge. That is why I am a chick now.

Hot sweet Pene Juice

Sat, 10 Nov 2007 19:02:29 GMT

Does anyone love Pene juice as much as me? I don't think its possible!

Oh Joe

Sun, 27 May 2007 16:30:42 GMT

I just want everyone to know I love Joe so much. I mean what can't that guy do? He's amazing in bed. Like his cock is probably like 14 inches or something close to that. His hot face is like something out of a storybook fairy tail. He's soooooooo smart too. I get embarrassed sometimes, because when he talks its as if Einstein were speaking through a magical poet's lips. I know what he's saying is smart and beautiful, but he uses such big words I can't understand them. Plus he totally kicked my ass at a pizza eating contest. He's such a man. I just love rubbing my hands all over his furry chest and balls. Ladies, I know none of you will ever even meet a man let alone get to be with a man as manly awesome as Joe, so whenever you're doing the lame dude that you're doing now, you totally have my permission to think of Joe while you're doing him. Well I'm gonna go daydream about Joe cuz he's out in the forest cutting down trees with his lumberjack friends right now. Miss you all!

The Deal Is...

Sat, 19 Aug 2006 05:03:05 GMT

This journal is friends only now. Comment to get on the list if you want. I don't know why I put that cuz no one else will ever add me. My life is not that exciting.